Polly Frost

(Note: The fantasy below about a magical word processing program for novelists was one of my first humor pieces. It was published originally in The New Yorker.)

TURBOTOME

Congratulations on purchasing TURBOTOME -- a software program designed especially for the Professional Writer (YOU)! TURBOTOME enables you to bypass the rough draft, the first and second draft, the galleys -- even the test of time! -- and get on with the business of writing. Let’s begin with a few basic operations to acquaint you with the TURBOMOUSE. TYPE in a couple of sentences. GIVE VENT TO YOUR IMAGINATION!! (It’s allowed.)

Take care of the pence. The pounds will take care of themselves.

Let’s rewrite, using the MOUSE.

Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves.

It flows now, doesn’t it? As a writer, you no doubt like to spend your time playing around with the English language. With TURBOTOME, you won’t be able to keep your mouse off it! ONCE AGAIN!!

Take care of the pence!! The pounds will take care of themselves!!

Since you’ve mastered the basics so quickly, it’s time to get down on paper that novel you’ve had in brain storage all these years. Daunted?

And how!

Don’t be! TURBOTOME will guide you step by step through the arduous process. All you have to do right now is think long and hard about the kind of novel you might want to put your name on. (If you need more than one hour to make up your mind, DIM THE SCREEN.)

Let me write a masterpiece!

MASTERPIECE MENU:

*Unreadable Work of Questionable Genius

*Minor Oeuvre

*Commendable Contribution to the Body of Literature

*Neglected Work of Genius

*Classic

*Nobel Prize Winner (not available with this program)

Let my masterpiece be a classic!

Good choice! And what are you going to call your classic?

“UNTITLED.”

Immortal! It all starts with one little OPENING SENTENCE. (You may begin INPUT of your novel.)

Take care of the pence.

LEAVE A SPACE. Then TYPE in your LAST SENTENCE. Don’t worry about it being memorable. The important thing is to be able to visualize an end to the arduous process of writing your classic.

The pounds will take care of themselves.

In the space between your first and last sentences, you may BEGIN JOTTING YOUR NOTES. These should include the germ of your novel, your theme(s), and anything you want to remember to say or do during the course of it.

NOTES ON “UNTITLED”

*Man’s Inhumanity to Man

*Man’s Inhumanity to Me (would like to concentrate on my experiences in seventh grade)

*Don’t forget!! Dentist appointment Mon. 9:50!!

You’re going to turn your attention now to the music of your prose. How would you like to be famous for your STYLE?

You bet! Let me be compared to Dostoevski and James!

It’s time to take advantage of TURBOTOME’S exclusive STYLE ENHANCER. Just read what TURBOTOME has already written of your novel!

Colonel Hatchforth, on the eve of departing with his regiment, reflected with pride on the fact that his wife was one of the few Englishwomen on the subcontinent who never been the subject of a criminal attack or dysentery.

"We all have rituals, Mrs. Hatchforth. You English have afternoon tea and we have the Rites of Kali,” Prince Begur said.

"Why, thank you, Prince Begur. I’ve always possessed a longing to read the Kamasutra,” said Mrs. Hatchforth.

"It's not just a cow to us, Mrs. Hatchforth. It is a sacred cow,” Prince Begur said.

And the monsoons! The only time Mrs. Hatchforth had experienced anything like them was when she was four and her nanny left her in the tub too long.

Would you like to try your hand at writing your novel?

“Mrs. Hatchforth! Mrs. Hatchforth!”

Bravo! At this point, many writers like to consider GENRE. Which one are you going to choose?

The Western.

What about your CHARACTERS? How are PRINCE BEGUR and MRS. HATCHFORTH going to develop?

Through male bonding.

Perfect! OK, now you’re probably dying to assemble your classic! If you’re anything like most Professional Writers, you find moving your paragraphs around a deeply affecting, spiritual TURBOEXPERIENCE! But don’t neglect PLOT! PLOT is the special ingredient that will give your classic LIFE!

Oh, let me think about PLOT sometime after the third printing. . . .

Alright! When you’re ready for a look at your WORK-IN-PROGRESS, CLICK THE MOUSE ONCE.

UNTITLED CLASSIC OF MODERN LITERATURE 

CHAPTER I

“What kind of God would allow the English to take afternoon tea?” Prince Begur asked.

“I haven’t the faintest idea,” replied Mrs. Hatchforth, “but don’t forget to take care of the pence.”

 

CHAPTER XX

“There’s only one man fit fer the job o’ movin’ a herd o’ sacred cows through the Himalayas and that’s Shorty,” Prince Begur said.

 

CHAPTER XXIV

“Won’t anything make a man of you?” Prince Begur demanded of  Mrs. Hatchforth after they had been on the trail a spell.

 

 CHAPTER XXXII

It all had something to do with seventh grade, but neither Prince Begur nor Mrs. Hatchforth was sure what.

 

                                                                       PAGE 597 

“Mrs. Hatchforth! Don’t forget your teeth-cleaning--”

SOMEWHERE AFTER THE SECOND CLIMAX

“Oh, Mrs. Hatchforth -- 9:50!”

EPILOGUE 

The pounds did not take care of themselves.

 

Reads beautifully, doesn't it? One of the best things about TURBOTOME is the way it simplifies the writing process so you can amass a sizable OEUVRE. And you’re sure to have noticed the ADDITIONAL TIME you have during your day to create interesting material for your biographers. Why not begin INPUT of your memoirs? Right now!

For some reason I have been quite tired recently.

You’re going to PAUSE now and think about the way you want to be perceived by future generations. When you’re ready to activate TURBOBIOGRAPHY, simply TYPE IN the kind of writer’s life you would like to lead. Then it’s back to work for you -- time to put the finishing touches on your TURBOCLASSIC!

Let me put as much into my life as into my art! Let me lead a life like Yukio Mishima and Norman Mailer’s!

YOUR PERSONALIZED TURBOMEMOIR

After scandalously ending my seventh marriage, I formed my own army yesterday, based on the belief that theold warrior ways were better. There is some dissent among the ranks as to whether this means the hoplites or the Visigoth. Anyway, I stayed up all night practicing army maneuvers and am exhausted this morning. I had to rely on a combination of Bushido and ten cups of coffee to get me through the arduous process of writing.

Copyright Polly Frost

DEAR MODERN CAVEPERSON

Thank you for signing up for our newsletter.

Like us, you’ve found the answer to your lifelong quest for wellbeing. Veganism left you parched, triathlons destroyed your knees, and Downward Dogs -- well, what were they really about? But then -- just like us! -- you read about the Paleo movement in The Washington Post and The New York Times.

Holy Stone Age! The Paleo approach to eating and fitness quickly delivered everything you’d been denying yourself for far too long. Say goodbye to tofu-chest and hello to kettlebell thighs! Saturated fat? Where have you been all these years? Never before has your blood felt so red. Never before have you pestered your friends with such lean, mean urgency about how they ought to be living.

But now you’re ready to take it further. What about life beyond mere eating and fitness? That’s where we come in.

Hi, we’re Polly and Ray, and together we’re Total Paleo Living ™, your online coaches for the modern caveperson lifestyle.

Here’s just a glimpse of what we offer.

RELATIONSHIPS

Has your spouse threatened to leave if you ever use the words “grass-fed” and “organ meats” again? Are your kids mortified by your devotion to enhancing your vitamin D levels by sunbathing in the nude? Total Paleo Living ™ has the solution.

• Dating  How to make your romantic life flourish after giving up soap.
• Marriage  Intermittent fasting as a model for getting along as a couple.
• Family Life  Read a special q&a with Paleo legend Robb Wolf on how to lose your inhibitions about dominance and submission.
• Sex  Bring the wisdom of 10,000 years ago to bear when your partner objects to your favorite kink.

MONEY

Is the cowshare you organized with your fellow locavores making too big a dent in your Quicken file? TPL ™ to the rescue.

• On the job  How to ace meetings by using alpha chimps as role models.
• Investments  Enjoy priceless inside information about the pemmican and coconut oil industries.
• Entrepreneurship  Profit from special Guest Postings from Stone Age godfather Arthur De Vany where he shares bursty, out-of-equilibirum ways of coaxing money from today’s recession-wary investment bankers.
• Shopping  Learn how to forage for the best deals at your local outlet mall as though you’re a glorious beast enjoying your birthright of freedom on the African savanna.
• Retirement So what if back in the day almost no one survived past 60? Scholar Loren Cordain makes educated guesses about how oldies would have lived had they been spared by sabre-toothed tigers.

RECREATION

Is the dynamism that avoiding dairy and grains has gifted you with making it hard to relax? Look no further than TPL ™.

• Reading  Once you’ve exhausted the classics, which works of Paleo inspiration do you fill your Kindle up with next? Join our online reading club and discover links to the latest hot downloadable PDFs.
• Self expression  Learn the secrets of crafting your own bone flute and choreographing dances around the outdoor grill. We’ll even show you how to transform your car-seat sheepskin into a pre-agricultural fashion statement.
• Travel  Coming in spring 2011: a special Paleo tour of the old -- the very old -- world. Visit Lascaux, dig up tubers in the Ukraine, and join archaeologists as they sift through middens in Wales. But don’t worry, we know that the smart modern caveperson never forgets to appreciate the glories of Western culture. Join up as Mark Sisson takes us on a pre-dawn, one-time-only barefoot run through the Prado.

And that’s only a taste of what Total Paleo Living ™ is about! In-person seminars, by-the-hour consultations -- we’ll even host your very own Paleo blog, specially optimized for sharing recipes and exercise schedules. Coming soon: the world’s first social networking site organized around tribal principles.

And, because you’re an early subscriber, here’s a special bonus treat that’ll really down-regulate your insulin levels: A free three-month trial subscription to our podcast, dedicated entirely to maximizing your evolutionary potential.

Yours in a shared aversion to industrial fats!

Polly and Ray

© Polly Frost and Ray Sawhill

FRIENDS IN PARADISE
by Polly Frost

As your plane lands you gaze happily out at the lush mountains, sparkling ocean and perfect skies. Did the flight attendant really announce it’s a delicious 72 degrees? You see the red tile roofs and gardens of the estates dotting this part of the world. You can’t help feeling envy at the carefree life your friends lead in this little stretch of paradise.

But you’re grateful they invited you to spend a week with them. You’ve left your city’s bitter winds, and dangerously icy highways. You reflect on all the money you saved by not paying for hotel rooms at a resort. At that moment you realize something wonderful: that nervous twitch you developed this winter has vanished!

And -- is that really a smile on your face? Yes. You’re thinking about all the people stuck back in your wintry city.

As you deplane and enter the adorable, crowd-free airport, you spot your friends: they’re tan, fit, looking a decade younger than you, even though you’re the same age. Your friends are damn lucky people.

Then, as you hug each other, they say:

“We’re so sorry about this terrible weather we’re having!”

You feel the wafting warm breezes and think they’re being funny. You laugh about the below-zero sleet you left behind. But your friends are most definitely not joking.

 “And there’s smog today.”

Their angry hands point at the azure horizon. You can’t see the noxious yellow, only a flock of seagulls merrily dipping and swirling.

They drive you in their pastel convertible along gorgeous, clear avenues giving you a tour of their perfect small city:

“The traffic here has gotten so bad!” they say, as you pass the first other car.

“The parking in this place has gotten unbearable!” as you glide down their upscale downtown’s main street.

“People have gotten incredibly rude!” as they nearly knock down a bicyclist.

You reach the tree-lined roads of their exclusive neighborhood, passing one exquisite villa after another.

“This place has been ruined.”

Your friends pull into their long, orange and mango tree-lined driveway. They walk you into their spacious, airy and Architectural Digest-ready mansion, and take you to your quarters. You marvel at your view of both a private beach and a hill studded with eucalyptus trees. You enthuse about hiking and swimming.

“You don’t want to go in the ocean. It’s been spoiled.”

“And you shouldn’t go into the hills unless you want to be bothered by flies.”

After you unpack your bags, you join them for an al fresco lunch on their bougainvillea draped terrace. You compliment them on their stunning location.

“We’re planning on moving,” they say. “We can’t take it anymore here.”

You are about to offer to exchange homes with them, but they’re rattling off the names of more perfect places: Santa Barbara, Sayulita, Maui...

You’re now feeling annoyed, even if your friends generously let you come to stay. But rather than make a snarky remark about how fortunate they are, you change the subject. Yet somehow they always take the conversation back to the hardship of maintaing their estate, their labrador retriever’s depression, the dreadful neighbors next door.

And then you feel it. That nervous twitch you thought you’d left back home.

Know what? You’re going to feel that twitch a lot during this visit. In just a few days you, too, will start complaining about the weather when it dips below 75, feel put upon by the three cars ahead of you at the stoplight, and worry about the longterm effects of that swim you took in the lapping waves of their ocean.

You may have thought it was hard eking out an existence in your chilly city. But at the end of this week your friends will convince you there’s nothing more stressful than living in paradise.

Copyright Polly Frost

NOTE: When I'm not writing I love to doodle -- I call these my doggie doodles. Hope you enjoy them!

 

MY NEW DOG BREEDS

Welcome to Have It Your Way Kennels. As owner, my goal is to bring personalized joy to as many dog owners as I can. Over and over I’ve witnessed the joy an innovative hybrid pooch can deliver. In response to the demands and desires of today’s on-the-go lifestyle, I’ve applied my knowledge of genetics and customer preference to bring you the ultimate in hybrid dogs. Let me introduce you to my latest new breeds:

THE ECO-DOODLE

This planet-friendly pup is a greenie’s dream! Three generations of inventive breeding have resulted in a dog whose coat is 100 percent organic hemp. You’ll never stop uncovering this virtuous breed’s many benefits. Just a couple: 1) all shedding is guaranteed not just 100% recyclable but smokable too. 2) The EcoDoodle’s high fiber food preferences means that every time you use your Pooper Scooper you’ll be helping the world convert from petrochemical energy to biomass!

A warning: Although a vegan, this adorable environmentalist can show a tendency to chase down SUVs.

(As a February Special, I’m including a lifetime membership in PETA with each EcoDoodle purchase.)

 

THE MANOLOHUND

A high-fashion masterpiece of breeding for that special person who lives to dress her dog up. Why limit your doggie playtime to jackets and hats? The Manolohund has been specially bred to share your love of shoes!

 

 

THE SHIH-TUBE

Is your videocam never at your side when your pet does something that will attract online viewers? Could the hit numbers on your uploaded doggie video clips be higher than they’ve been? The ShihTube is the breed for you. This always-on bundle of pep is nothing if not camera-ready. He’ll climb and then go down your pool slide not just once but twenty times -- finally a dog that allows you the chance to change your memory card! That leg of lamb you’ve left on the counter? You can trust the ShihTube not to steal it until you’ve got the lighting and focus just perfect. But don’t fear that we’ve overlooked the basics: we haven’t! With the ShihTube, skateboarding isn’t a twice-a-year fluke, it’s an all-afternoon, every-afternoon activity. A little exhausting, yes, but you can be certain that there’ll be plenty of time for you to set up a tripod! Be aware, though, that this little superstar will get droopy if more than an hour goes by without a lens being aimed at him.

 

THE POO-BULL

For this year’s first new breed, I crossed the Standard Poodle and the Pit Bull. The result: a dog who’ll scare off intruders and be hypoallergenic. A happy side benefit: Animal rights activists who have purchased a PooBull report that that they now have the option of spending their weekends combating the evil of dog fighting. Just bring your PooBull to an underground dog fighting ring. Your Poo-Bull will make them giggle and put an end to that day’s dog battles!

 

 

THE iDOG

Let’s face it: today’s urban girl on the go needs a pocketable companion. Get in early on a furry proof-of-concept that combines wireless connectivity and elegant post-industrial design. This is one lovebug that does it all! Lonely? The iDog will deliver text messages of devotion even when your eHarmony dates aren’t happening. Bored? When you give your iDog a belly-tickle it automatically downloads a new game direct from the App Store! (MobilePuppy account $99 a year extra.)

 

 THE BOLLYWOOD TERRIER

Here's the perfect companion for your nights with DVD rentals: this terrier won't just watch Bollywood movies with you, he'll do all the dances as well!

 

THE ECONO-LAB

As you can see, this puppy is not one to demand excessive pampering and is the perfect pet for a tight budget. This little guy here is up for rescue adoption: his own took out a second mortgage on his dog house. 

Wouldn't it be nice sometimes to have an unfriending button in real life?