Polly Frost

DEAR MODERN CAVEPERSON

Like us, you’ve found the answer to your lifelong quest for wellbeing. Veganism left you parched, triathlons destroyed your knees, and Downward Dogs -- well, what were they really about? But then -- just like us! -- you read about the Paleo movement in The Washington Post and The New York Times.

Holy Stone Age! The Paleo approach to eating and fitness quickly delivered everything you’d been denying yourself for far too long. Say goodbye to tofu-chest and hello to kettlebell thighs! Saturated fat? Where have you been all these years? Never before has your blood felt so red. Never before have you pestered your friends with such lean, mean urgency about how they ought to be living.

But now you’re ready to take it further. What about life beyond mere eating and fitness? That’s where we come in.

Hi, we’re Polly and Ray, and together we’re Total Paleo Living ™, your online coaches for the modern caveperson lifestyle.

Here’s just a glimpse of what we offer.

RELATIONSHIPS

Has your spouse threatened to leave if you ever use the words “grass-fed” and “organ meats” again? Are your kids mortified by your devotion to enhancing your vitamin D levels by sunbathing in the nude? Total Paleo Living ™ has the solution.

• Dating  How to make your romantic life flourish after giving up soap.
• Marriage  Intermittent fasting as a model for getting along as a couple.
• Family Life  Read a special q&a with Paleo legend Robb Wolf on how to lose your inhibitions about dominance and submission.
• Sex  Bring the wisdom of 10,000 years ago to bear when your partner objects to your favorite kink.

MONEY

Is the cowshare you organized with your fellow locavores making too big a dent in your Quicken file? TPL ™ to the rescue.

• On the job  How to ace meetings by using alpha chimps as role models.
• Investments  Enjoy priceless inside information about the pemmican and coconut oil industries.
• Entrepreneurship  Profit from special Guest Postings from Stone Age godfather Arthur De Vany where he shares bursty, out-of-equilibirum ways of coaxing money from today’s recession-wary investment bankers.
• Shopping  Learn how to forage for the best deals at your local outlet mall as though you’re a glorious beast enjoying your birthright of freedom on the African savanna.
• Retirement So what if back in the day almost no one survived past 60? Scholar Loren Cordain makes educated guesses about how oldies would have lived had they been spared by sabre-toothed tigers.

RECREATION

Is the dynamism that avoiding dairy and grains has gifted you with making it hard to relax? Look no further than TPL ™.

• Reading  Once you’ve exhausted the classics, which works of Paleo inspiration do you fill your Kindle up with next? Join our online reading club and discover links to the latest hot downloadable PDFs.
• Self expression  Learn the secrets of crafting your own bone flute and choreographing dances around the outdoor grill. We’ll even show you how to transform your car-seat sheepskin into a pre-agricultural fashion statement.
• Travel  Coming in spring 2011: a special Paleo tour of the old -- the very old -- world. Visit Lascaux, dig up tubers in the Ukraine, and join archaeologists as they sift through middens in Wales. But don’t worry, we know that the smart modern caveperson never forgets to appreciate the glories of Western culture. Join up as Mark Sisson takes us on a pre-dawn, one-time-only barefoot run through the Prado.

And that’s only a taste of what Total Paleo Living ™ is about! In-person seminars, by-the-hour consultations -- we’ll even host your very own Paleo blog, specially optimized for sharing recipes and exercise schedules. Coming soon: the world’s first social networking site organized around tribal principles.

And, because you’re an early subscriber, here’s a special bonus treat that’ll really down-regulate your insulin levels: A free three-month trial subscription to our podcast, dedicated entirely to maximizing your evolutionary potential.

Yours in a shared aversion to industrial fats!

Polly and Ray

"Dear Modern Caveperson" is included in my new humor book "With One Eye Open" now available on Amazon here.

© Polly Frost and Ray Sawhill